A Mother's Love
by Marquard
Summary: "The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness."
1. A Mother's Love

_"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness."_

* * *

_**Acceptance**_

She sits quietly in the dark. The stone cell is cool refuge from the hot and humid summer weather outside. The girl sits, her head leaning against the wall. Her hair disheveled. It was such a shame. She always had such beautiful hair.

Cold.

I can't feel my fingers. Zuzu certainly wasn't taking any chances. Not that I blame him.

But I do blame you.

Yes. _You_...

Why are you even here? Come to make sure the _monster_ is safely tucked away in its cage? Well I'm certainly not going anywhere any time soon.

They don't respect me any more. I'm no fire lord... I'm no princess... and I'm not Azula...

They took her away... yes... they took her away. They took her away and left me. Oh but don't worry, she's still safe... ha ha ha ha... she's fine... so don't worry. Ha ha ha ha ha!

I took her away! And then I took her place!

What is wrong with that child, you say?

I'm no child.

I'm no princess.

I'm a monster.

And you always knew it.

You knew it!

That's why you never cared!

You were afraid of me!

But that was fine...

That was perfectly fine with me.

I didn't care. In fact, I thrived on your fear.

I learned about my power. My power to control people through their fear. I learned how to dig into a person's soul. I learned how to find the things they wanted to keep hidden away. I learned how to make them wake up screaming from their dreamland to face their nightmares. I learned how to make them do anything I wanted. Not in the stupid way that Zuzu would, brandishing his power as the Fire Lord's son. Oh no...

No... no... no...

I had other ways of making people fear me. So many different ways...

I tested them... perfected them... and they worked. Oh did they work.

You knew. You saw it. I know you saw it. I _know_ you saw it.

I know you saw that I was a horrible little monster.

But what did you do?

You rejected me! You left to fester and die in the all the things I had done. You left me! You never even said good bye! You hated me!

Hated me! Hated me and hated everything I Was! Everything I hAd done! Everything I had become! Hate! HaTe! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate hA hA ha aHa ha Ha hated! hA hate hated hate hate hated me hated everything I would be! hated hate STill hate hate hate HAte ha ah Aha ha haTed me hAted haTe hate! Hated everything I was! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate Ha ha Ha aha forever ha Ha hated! Ha haTe haTed hate HatE hatEd me hated hate still hate hate hate hate ha ah aha HA hated ME hated haTE hAte! hATed me! HAted me! HAted everything I am! Everything I did! Hated! Hate! Hate hate ha ha Ha hate! HATEd me! Hated Everything I had become!hate STill hate hate hate Hated everything I did. HAte ha ah forever Aha ha haTed me hAted haTe hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! hate hate ha ah aha HA Hated everything I will do. hated ME hated haTE hAted everything I am doing! hATed me! HAted me! HAted everything I am!haTed hate HatE hatEd me hated hate still hate hate hate hate ha ah aha HA hated ME hated haTE hAte! hATed me! ForEveR HAted me! HAted everything I am! Everything I did! Hated! Hate! Hate hate ha ha Ha hate! hate still hate hate hate hate ha ah aha HA hated ME hated haTE hAte! hATed me! HAted me! HAted everything I am! Everything I did! Hated! Hate! Hate hate ha ha Ha hate! HATEd me! Hated Everything I had become!hate STill hate hate hate Hated everything I did. HAte ha ah forever Aha ha haTed me hAted haTed everything I Was! Everything I hAd done! Everything I had become! Hate! HaTe! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate hA hA ha aHa ha Ha hated! hA hate hated hate hate hated me hated everything I would be! hated hate STill hate hate hate HAte ha ah Aha ha haTed me hAted haTe hate! Hated everything I was! Hate!Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! hate hate ha ah aha HA Hated everything I will do. hated ME hated haTE hAted haTe hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! hate hate ha ah aha HA Hated everything I will do. hated ME hated haTE hAted everything I am doing! hATed me! HAted me! HAted everything I am!haTed hate HatE hatEd me hated hate still hate hate hate hate ha ah aha HA hated ME hated haTE hAte! hATed me! ForEveR HAted me! HAted everything I am! Everything I did! Hated! Hate! Hate hate ha ha Ha hate! hate still hate hate hate hate ha ah aha HA hated ME hated haTE hAte! hATed me! HAted me! HAted everything I am! Everything I did! Hated! Hate! Hate hate ha ha Ha hate! HATEd me! Hated Everything I had become!hate STill hate hate hate Hated everything I did. HAte ha ah forever Aha ha haTed me hAted haTed everything I Was! haTE hAted everything I am doing! hATed me! HAted me! HAted everything I am!haTed hate HatE hatEd me hated hate still hate hate hate hate ha ah aha HA hated ME hated haTE hAte! hATed me! ForEveR HAted me! HAted everything I am! Everything I did! Hated! Hate! Hate hate ha ha Ha hate! hate still hate hate! Hated! Hate! Hate hate ha ha Ha hate! HATEd me! Hated Everything I had become!hate STill hate hate hate Hated everything I did. HAte ha ah forever Aha ha haTed me hAted haTed everything I Was! Everything I hAd done! Everything I had become! Hate! HaTe! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate hA hA ha aHa ha Ha hated! hA hate hated hate hate hated me hated everything I would be! hated hate STill hate hate hate HAte ha ah Aha ha haTed me hAted haTe hate! Hated everything I was! Hate!Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! hate hate ha ah aha HA Hated everything I will do. hated ME hated haTE hAted haTe hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! hate hate ha ah aha HA Hated everything I will do. hated ME hated haTE hAted everything I am doing! hATed me! HAted me! HAted everything I am!haTed hate HatE hatEd me hated hate still hate hate hate hate ha ah aha HA hated ME hated haTE hAte! hATed me! ForEveR HAted me! HAted everything I am! Everything I did! Hated! Hate! Hate hate ha ha Ha hate! hate still hate hate hate hate ha ah aha HA hated ME hated haTE hAte! hATed me! Hated me.

You hated me.

_You hated me!_

_**Hated me!**_

You...

… You still hate me.

No... no that's not right.

You don't hate me. You keep saying that. "I don't hate you Azula. I love you."

You keep saying that.

But you're lying.

I know you're lying.

You may not hate me. But you don't love me. You never have. You never will. You're not real. You're not really here. And I know it. I know you're not here.

But then you never were.

You were never here.

You were always somewhere else.

You didn't hate me...

You feared me.

And you still do...

I can see it in your eyes.

That look that I've seen in everyone. That shiver in the eye. The darkness that creeps over their shoulder. The contraction of their voice. The cold sweat that drips from every word that slips through their frozen lips.

I know it all too well.

You've never loved me.

You've never hated me.

But you have always feared me...

And you know what?

I think I prefer it that way... _Mother_.

* * *

Azula never really did find the forgiveness she was looking for.

But she has finally accepted it.


	2. Am I My Brother's Keeper?

"_Am I My Brother's Keeper?"_

* * *

_**Despair**_

She could hear the sounds of cicada-crickets outside. The sound of summer. If she were to close her eyes, she could almost see the forest on Ember Island. She could lose herself in blissful memories of that place.

_When we were actually happy..._

The soft sound of footsteps fell into a quiet accompaniment to the chirp of the cicada-crickets. The harsh grating sound of the metal door opening was a brief reprieve from the noise outside.

I enter my sister's cell, careful to shut the door behind me. There's not much she can do though; bound in a straightjacket. But still, one can never be too careful when dealing with Azula.

She looks awful. Nothing like she did when she was living in the palace.

Her hair is a dishevled mess. There is no one here to set it for her.

The sound of cicada-crickets fills my ears. I'm waiting for her to say something. Anything.

A greeting.

A sarcastic remark.

Even a death threat would be nice.

But she just sits there in the dark.

I move into the center of the room to get a better look at her face. Familiar golden eyes match mine.

It's only now that I realize that I was wrong. She may not look like the Princess of the Fire Nation, but she is still royalty through and through.

Her eyes are icy fire. Burning and shearing the flesh off my bones, leaving them frozen.

I feel my shoulder twitch, it's an old habit I've had since... forever. An old habit I thought I had grown out of.

Azula sees.

She sees it. I know it.

But she gives no sign that she has. Her eyes are still fixed on mine.

This silence.

It's unnerving.

I pull out the box I had brought for her, "I brought you some komodo-pork dumplings."

Kneeling in front of her cell, I remove the lid and push it through the bars. The smell from the steamed dumplings wafts up. The tiny cell is soon filled with the delicious smell of savory meat and fragrant steamed bread.

She must be hungry. The tightness in her face; I can tell that she hasn't been eating. The Azula I know would rather rot before she would eat prison food.

She _must_ be hungry. But she gives no sign.

The only answer I get is a level stare from between the strands of oily hair that frame her face.

"I can't-" my voice cracks. From the heat? From the silence? From the pressure? I don't know.

"I can't undo your bonds, but I thought that this might be easy enough for you to eat."

"I know prison food isn't that good, so I thought you might prefer..."

"You should eat some before they get cold."

"They're specially made, just for you... not that there's anything bad in them. I'll eat one if you don't believe me..."

"They're not poisoned or anything. I know it's hard to believe, but I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

"This all could have been avoided. Things didn't have to turn out this way."

"We didn't have to fight."

"It didn't have to be this way..."

"Would you just eat them already?!"

"It's not going to kill you! But sitting in this cell and refusing food will!"

"Just eat them already!"

"What's wrong with you?!"

"Look, here! See? Not poisoned. Now will you just please eat?"

"If you eat the dumplings, I promise I'll bring you better food next time."

"Father eats the food I bring, it's all right."

"Please?"

"Please... eat something. Don't just sit there like that."

"This isn't like you."

"I'm worried about you. Really I am."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything. So please?"

"We are family... right?"

"Please?"

"Azula..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

...

* * *

Zuko never really understood his sister.

And yet the sad things is... he might know her better than anyone else.


	3. If I could

"_Let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth."_

* * *

_**A Promise**_

Where she is... I do not know. And I know she does not care to know where I am. But I care... I do.

She may not believe me. She may not understand. But I do care... I do.

Ever since the beginning I cared.

A family... We were a family.

We were happy.

But that was a long time ago.

Sometimes... on those clear and calmly still nights, I gaze out of my window.

I remember a time when we sat on the windowsill of the bedroom. When we sat under the full moon. When we giggled and whispered to each other. When we confided our little secrets.

When we were still mother and child.

It was a peaceful moment.

But a moment was all it was.

There may have been more.

But they are forgotten.

If only she would listen... If only she would look at me... If only she would tell me what she feels...

If only she could understand me...

If only I could make her understand...

If only I had heard about it sooner... If only I had seen the signs earlier... If only I had said something before...

If only I had done something sooner...

If only I could leave my past behind me...

If only I could accept who I am...

If only I could face what will come...

If only I had loved her more...

If only I had loved her...

If only I had loved...

If only I had...

If only...

If...

* * *

If I could help her love herself...

Would that make me a better mother?


	4. A Wise Man Keeps Himself Under Control

_"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control."_

* * *

**_Rage_**

It was a rare chance to sit and look her in the face. Even rarer as time passed. It would have been utterly _heartwarming_... had it not been in a prison cell.

The tea had been left on the floor where it was usually left. Right before Azula's feet.

While I never had my brother's unusual love of tea, I cannot deny that even the simplest things can be a welcome reminder. A reminder that even as I sit in this small cell, as I slowly decay and age second by second; I am still royalty.

My flesh and blood sits across from me; bound and trussed like a komodo pig. She feels ashamed.

I can tell.

As much as Azula believes herself to be as deadly and unpredictable as a flame, she does not yet understand that there is nothing she can hide from her father.

There is no shame in being placed here.

If nothing else it should be an honor.

Of course I would have much preferred to be sitting atop the world right now, rather than in the deepest recesses of its shadows. But still there is a small victory in this.

And Mother always said that I was a pessimist.

Azula stares at me, waiting.

She dares not speak.

She has learned well.

But not well enough apparently.

She lost. She lost the battle against my _son_. The very one who locked both of us in this dark cell with this lukewarm tea.

She lost her palace.

She lost her friends.

But most of all, she lost control.

Control is something that must not... cannot be lost.

She's just sitting there waiting.

It matters not. The time will come and she will ask me.

Silence.

We both know what the other wants to say. We don't need to say it. Useless words that have no purpose being breathed into the world.

It's much darker in here with the cell door's window shut.

I can feel the slicing gaze that comes from the eyes that look so much like my own. She has not lost yet. There is still fire within her. The shame she feels fuels her.

If I hadn't known better, I would thought that the fire within her eyes were making them glitter and flicker with light. As if something were dancing in her eyes, taunting her with illusions.

She fidgets a bit in the straitjacket.

The anger washes off of her in waves. It's a wonder that those earth kingdom guards can't feel it. Perhaps it's something only a firebender can tell. Or perhaps... it's because she's my daughter. But I can tell.

She wants out. She wants closure. She wants freedom.

She's raging inside. And she wants something from me.

Well... why not reward my little girl. Perhaps she can still be of some use.

* * *

Ozai is many things.

Arrogant, power-hungry, proud, wrathful, dangerous, cunning...

But he is no fool...


	5. Love is Patient

**_"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."_**

* * *

_Refusal_

The air is cold. Colder than my flame.

The perfume of sweat and mold fill the air, clinging to whatever surface it can permeate.

Cicada-crickets chirp their merry song silently...

There is no quieter place than here.

If I listen carefully, I can hear it.

Listen.

I hear it.

The sound of blood.

Blood.

Coursing through my veins.

The roaring sound of blood.

A steady and calming wave of noise. Rushing, beating against my skull from the inside. Always... Always, saying the same thing!

_I..._

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

The sound is thrumming against my eardrums from the wrong side. The cell is dark and empty.

There is no one here.

I stare at the wall, defying the repetitive noise of blood in my head.

_I..._

The sun is setting, I can feel the light running away. It's escaping. Coward!

I hit my head lightly against the wall on the beat. Every time I hear the sound of blood I hit my head to ease the pressure.

_I..._

Tap.

_I..._

Tap!

_I..._

TAP!

The back of my head is wet now. I don't know why. Tap, tap, tap. The sound of blood has lessened. It doesn't pound on my temples any longer. For a moment, I have won.

Relief washes over me.

I've won.

_I..._

Slam!

It's back. It's back.

She's back.

And it's getting worse.

_I..._

No.

_I..._

No!

_I..._

No! No! No! No! No! NO!

I slam the back of my head against the wall for emphasis. Praying... praying, that it will make the sound stop.

The sound of blood fills the cell. It falls to the ground and hangs in clumps in my hair.

I can taste it now.

I can smell it.

Blood.

The sun has set, receding safely behind the palace walls to the west. Coward! Traitor!

The darkness paints the cell walls from crimson to black. The cell is dark and empty.

I am alone.

Or so I pray.

My prayers go unanswered. There is something here.

Something.

Something I fear above all else.

And it's waiting...

Waiting for me...

It says nothing.

It waits in silence.

* * *

It will wait forever.

With open arms... and a smile.


End file.
